In a month i'll be 24...

and I still feel like I don't belong in the world as an adult.

I feel like the world has cheated me out of enjoying myself.

I hate the responsibilities which the real world forces upon me.

Bills, work, maintaining this apartment.

I yearn for the days when I could go out and explore the world around me.

days when I could slack off all day long.

days when I spent hours attached to a videogame, and when I was done I would go out and spend time with friends.

days when all of us lived together and had a good time.

days when i was into music, playing my heart and soul out.

days when there wasn't so much stress and anxiety.

days before all the bullshit drama that separated me from half of my friends

days when my dad had a job, and when my mom still had money from grandma.

when everything was healthy, happy, and alive.

Its all in the past now, and some things never come back.

Mom came up for Thanksgiving.

It was exactly what I needed, a break from reality without any smoking or drinking.

But it was so sad.

Especially when I watched her drive away.

It felt like I had a life-line attached to her, and when she drove away, it pulled out from me and I started to cry.

I stifled it.

Turning around, walking back up the stairs, I told myself to be strong.

I just have to grow on my own now, and figure out what I can do to make this more tolerable.

Maybe when you're back in school, and getting your checks again, we'll be motivated.

So much we blame on the decisions we made, and the things out of our control.

or the decisions we didn't understand when we made them.

Night classes.

Living far from the city.

Realizing that some friends were still farther away, even if they're closer.

Realizing that we've got to grow up.

That life flows on with or without us.

We'll figure out a way to make it tolerable.

Maybe we'll even make our lives happier than they were.

How could I fuck up something so important?

I'm falling apart at the seams.

I don't think I can keep this up before I just...

... snap.

*poof*

I don't know if I'm strong enough to be your rock. I keep collapsing inward.

I need you to be strong, and you need me to be strong. When one of us isn't, we start fallling apart. When neither of us are, everything becomes hopeless...

Our love will be our strength, regardless....I just wish that alone was all we needed.

(III)

I love you.

Forgive me for assuming that you would care if something good happened to me.

I guess I just can't be excited about anything around you. You won't give a fuck anyway.

How do I press the reset button when I've already used up all my batteries?

I want to go home. She wants to go home.

I don't know how to do it.

:(

Things are good. I just wish I could shake this overwhelming feeling of dread. These walls are paper, just waiting for a storm to blow them all away, leaving us shivering in the cold.

I feel like the storm is inevitable, but it won't be if we can both find work.

Again I have the feeling like the life I'm living is fleeting and temporary, like I did when I was in college, knowing it was coming to a close, and everything would change.

Everything changed a whole lot more than I thought it would...

But here I am, trying to support this world I've built for myself.

Money...

I wish we still traded in cocoa beans or something.

Well.. here's to the start of week 2 of living up in Portland. It's been scary, it's been rough.

Right now we're really tight on money. Last week I panicked, thinking I needed to pay my stupid student loan payment (which is absurdly large), but I ended up not having to, because I paid for two months last month.

That was a relief, but I'm still down to like.... 50 bucks or something.

Things with Kim are good, most of the time. Sometimes her BPD gets hard to deal with, but we usually come to a resolution...usually...

One topic will never be resolved between us, which is really frustrating. Especially when she acts impulsively and does something unreasonable.

Otherwise, it's okay... I knew it would be tough, but I love her to death, so the good always outweighs the bad. I'm strong enough to handle it.

Inside, all I really am is a tiny, quivering heart.

I'm scum.

loving her so much.

while the crowd is waiting for the final kiss
the one which allows them to sleep well
we walk along the wrong path
the one which leed us to our own blessed

we need hints
before we get tired
but we need hints
before we get tired
now we need hints
before we loose pace
now we need a hint to know we're on the right track

we need hints
before we get tired
but we need hints
before we get tired
now we need speed
before we loose pace
now we need a hint to know we're on the right track

I just finished packing the suitcase I plan on living out of for the next 3 months. Probably the most depressing thing I've had to do, but that might just be because everything is depressing right now.

A recent and very intense [traumatic, unexpected, painful, blah blah blah] falling out with someone I considered one of my best friends has made me rethink my plans for the future. As it stands now, I truly have no idea whats going to happen after these three months are over.

I may decide to move up north, though the thought of moving back down south to LA has crossed my mind multiple times, and it has never looked like a better idea before, which can probably tell you how messed up I am in the head right now. I've been told I always have a home in Spokane, at least temporarily, so who knows. I may follow through with that.

I've also rekindled a flame that everyone I've known has told me never to relight. When everyone else leaves you, the one person standing there who's always there for you with open arms, regardless of whatever soiled past you shared, or whatever they did to you in a period of weakness... Looks a whole lot better. Tell me I'm stupid, tell me it's a mistake, whatever. I don't really care about anyone's opinions on that aspect of my life right now. Especially not after recent events.

I'm scared, I'm alone, and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

no, its cool, don't let my misery quell your doomed romance.

i may be changing my plans for the rest of my life in the near future.

fuck it.

just... fuck it.

I'm fucked.

Generally speaking, anyway...

My assumed plans for my living conditions have drastically altered over this weekend. Where I thought I would have a place, it turns out that I in fact, do not. I can try to convince them otherwise. They assume that I'm going to be taking up more space than I said I would. Which I won't. I heard mention of me having food in the fridge, taking up cabinet space, but I never planned on keeping anything other than what I mentioned. Anything I need to have on me, I'll keep in my car. (clothes, guitar, etc.)

I said all I need is a place to sleep at night, and a bathroom to shower in.

That's what I meant.

Kevin and I momentarily freaked out. He thought he would be getting a job in Carmel Valley, but it's not looking too good. I told him today after I thought about it, that if it's too much of a hassle, he can go ahead and move up to Oregon without me. He told me he was thinking about it already, so that's one less hassle for both of us.

I still need a place to stay. I guess I could ask my co-workers if I could crash at their place, they always offer their couch to me. I suppose I'll be taking them up on that offer a little more often in a couple of weeks.

So here's what it looks like for me.

1. I'm putting my stuff in storage. That hasn't changed.
2. My options:
a. I find a room on craigslist for the summer.
b. I try to convince John, Jason, Claire, and Grant that I won't take up any space.
c. I bounce from friend to friend, sleeping on their couches for the next two months
3. I get my shit out of storage at the end of August and move to Portland or Seattle.


I think I really just need to convince them. Seriously, I can live out of a suitcase for a month. I'll do chores, whatever. I already said I would help with rent.

sigh.

(if you can't tell, I'm freaked out by everything right now.)

Its a swirling mix of confusion and peace. Somewhere on the oil soaked streets, on the stained and graffitied bus, in the piercing cry of BART as it sweeps me underwater every day, walking the sidewalks, passing the cornucopian swirl of sweet and foul smells, taking the bus instead of walking when the rain comes, looking up wondering why I'm still getting wet and noticing right above me a small window of the bus ajar occasionally sprinkling the pages of my book with tiny droplets, looking at the Chinese lady and her son who wave goodbye to everyone on the bus, even though no one knows her (just the familiar faces of the daily commute); the Mexican woman who always talks too fast to the petite Lucy Liu lookalike while waiting for the 63 every morning, who always waits for the Richmond train, while I continue further downstairs (always hoping that I'll catch the Daly City train, since the SFO train is always overcrowded with commuters); the mixed-race mother and her daughter, who have the exact same hairstyle and joke with each other constantly while smiling perfect smiles at each other that lure me into their happiness; the businessman who always rides only one stop, even though he has his bike with him; somewhere in all of this is peace.

Yet swirling is still the confused glare of my reflection in the glass. Somehow, I still feel so, so alone.

Sometimes I just want to find you and scream in your goddamned enigmatic face.

I did nothing to you.

This was based ENTIRELY off of a stupid moment of misunderstanding.

You're cruel. you used me from the start, and then you just crumpled me up and threw me away.

"I needed a friend and you weren't there."

Right... you wanted someone to use to make yourself feel better about yourself, and an excuse to put me down was exactly what you needed.

You may say you don't hate me, but your indifference to me is worse.

"we aren't friends anymore"

... really? I mean... REALLY?

over something your ego or pride or whatever failed to realize that you made a mistake about?

I wish you would just fucking outright say you hated me, or that we were enemies. it would be better than this bullshit.

maybe its because you don't want to admit to the fact that you fucked up.

I just don't understand.

you always were so impossible to figure out.

your name will forever be etched in my memory side by side with the word ENIGMA.

never to fall away from
everything i ever dreamt
hoping to be where I am free

always to learn my lesson
from every wrong i've ever done
waiting to see what it will bring

when you see me in the mirror
do you look in my eyes
and see through your own disguise

never conceive of order
or cleaning this pointless disarray
never deny living a lie

always release emotion
for all of the things ive learned to hate
so i feel alive most of the time

when you see me in the mirror
do you fear what you see
am I anything you ever hoped you would be

waiting to follow closely
watching this path that I might take
easy to fall for nothing at all

counting my respiration
to the very last breath I ever take
patient to see when it will be

when you see me in the mirror
do you stare in your eyes
and look at your own demise

take a look through the mirror
watch the boy learn to stand
and slowly become a man

I'm more fucked up than I let on, I think. It just takes the right situation to occur, and everything comes crashing.

On the upside, I won't have to worry about money for a couple months, nor will I have to worry about having too much free time.

www.jamlegend.com

I'm an intern now, and I start on Tuesday. Go me!

Yesterday I told myself I needed something to happen, something to kickstart me back into gear and get off this circular path of avoidance. Something to keep me from ignoring all the things that were affecting me.

Today I got it. Wells Fargo calls me and informs me that my credit card bill is 19 days late, blah blah I'm in deep shit, blah blah blah.

I got my wake up call. (literally)

So, I had to make the call to my parents, so they could bail me out of this. The result, I decided is that I need to figure things out in a place where I can avoid going further into debt. (as of now, my credit card debt is over 2k, not to mention my student loans which I need to start repaying in 3 months)

I decided... against every vow I've ever made, that I need to move back down south. Up here, I'm both too distracted to find a job, not that the job market is booming right now, and too unmotivated (somehow, despite everything else in my head pounding at me and telling me how retarded I am for just sitting there and clicking the stumble button over and over all day long.)

(very stretched rationalization incoming)
I need to put myself in a situation I hate. I need to fan the flames underneath me and get my ass moving. Right now, I'm too comfortable here. If I go back and live in Lancaster I'll be more motivated to get the fuck out.

So, by the end of this month, I should be out of here and living on my parents couch with all my stuff in storage.

I have this bizarre mixed emotion, half feeling like a complete and total failure, and half excited that something is actually happening in my life, for better or worse.

I also realized that the past year of my life has been pretty much wasted because my primary focus was always women and relationships. Now, actually focusing on stitching my life back together and ignoring something which is in reality, completely secondary has made me less depressed and less lonely in a way.

About halfway through school, I noticed how my social status was a sham. I was living the illusion of middle class. I didn't support myself, and I still maintained this pathetic facsimile of a real life. I saw it coming even then, that when my financial aid stopped coming, the walls of my illusion would come crashing down on me.

They finally did. A month and a half out of school, and they're laying shattered all around me.

I feel like I'm finally opening my eyes. I still can't see clearly, but the bright lights are slowly dimming and the blur is coming in focus.

Its time to start moving.